Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now