People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
😭😭
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.