People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER