11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
is nasa ok
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*