I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?