Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
black phone good
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about