[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
just witnessed a drug deal
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.