everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
What if the weather talks about us?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?