just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
You Might Also Like
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I found your tweet-up…