All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Yes, but it was never about money
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?