Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Britain be like
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.