How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Saturday
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.