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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”