(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.