Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
not to brag, but mine was free
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.