I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]