Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why