Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset