Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
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The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?