Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Not today, today.
Not today.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.