I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Best spoiler warning ever
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.