Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!