[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Eat…
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
dads on road-trips be like
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.