[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
You Might Also Like
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
it was a valiant fight
Birds & Planes.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”