Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.