Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.