I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
それは草
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate