Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes