me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The “research” scene in every horror movie
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.