Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
You Might Also Like
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
the only bumper sticker ill allow
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.