me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October