genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
You Might Also Like
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder