If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me