Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Oh my god
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.