I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here