If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.