Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
A little too much information.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”