I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Not😆🤣
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions