Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You Might Also Like
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*