7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.