Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
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I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When your parents check you’re ok.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*