[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
You Might Also Like
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??