She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.