When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You Might Also Like
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
We’ve all been there…
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8