mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
You Might Also Like
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs