Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
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3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”