My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
wtf management?!
my mom making me talk to relatives
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
mom gave me mine for free
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler