me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony