6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens