Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Noah was an idiot.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences